1. Ask the right questions BEFORE you buy: What does your child want to do with the device? Is it just for gaming or connecting with friends?  Some gaming devices, including the DS can connect to other DS players without even going online.  The iPod Touch can be used just like an iPhone with apps to install for texting, talking and connecting to the Internet (even if you don’t buy the data plan).
2. What applications will be installed on the device (laptop, desktop, smart phone, iPod touch)? You want to be aware of four types of apps that can be detrimental to any tween or teen: Anonymous apps, apps that draw attention, mean apps and apps that locate.
   Anonymous apps (like Formspring) allow children to send and receive messages anonymously.  For teens it’s an easy way to bully or get bullied.  Rather than spending a lot of time trying to keep up with every anonymous app, you are better off just asking your child whether the app they are installing allows them to hide behind this digital veil.  If so, let’s remind them that we expect them to be responsible and accountable for their actions.
   Apps that draw attention puts your child in a position to get 3 types of attention; positive attention from people they know and like them, trolls (anonymous bullies), and predators.  They need to be aware that not all Internet attention is positive and can connect them with Identity thieves, stalkers and pedophiles.
   Mean apps (like the Ugly Meter) are a recipe for disaster, even if your child thinks it’s a joke.  The Ugly Meter is an iPhone app that takes a picture, looks at 9 points on the face and spits out a message about how ugly you are.  To a 20 something- this may seem hysterical, to a teen… it’s devastating.
   Finally apps that locate (like Places and 4square) allow users of smart phone (phone that connect to the Internet) to check in and out of a location, letting all of their followers know their exact location at all times.  It may be a great way to find a friend at the mall or allow a stalker to track your child’s whereabouts.
   While all of these types of applications may have a valid home on the Internet, in the hands of a young person not always capable of controlling their impulses or making the best decisions, it can be potentially dangerous.  As a parent, we are better off focusing on the types of apps we want to avoid rather than the specific sites or applications.  That way we are focusing on behavior rather than specific technology.
3. Set up the appropriate rules and guidelines BEFORE handing over the tech! Anytime you introduce a new piece of technology is a great opportunity to discuss how your child will use the device safely, responsibly and ethically.  Here are a few topics you will want to discuss:
   • Personal Safety:
     Keep personal information private: yours and others (what do you consider personal information)
     Avoiding Unwanted Internet Attention: use of youtube and other public video forums
     Password sharing: who will have the password to the computer as well as other accounts (such as e-mail, IM, Facebook, gaming)
     Filtering and Monitoring software: deciding what is appropriate for you and your child
   • Computer Safety:
     Installing Anti Virus and Anti Spyware: protecting your computer from viruses and intruders
     Downloading rules: what can and cannot be downloaded to the computer (i.e. illegal copies of software, music and movies)
   • Ethical Use:
     Cyber-bullying involvement: How you feel about your child’s role in any cyber-bullying situation and what your role will be as a parent
     Plagiarism: Copying other’s work to use as their own
     Piracy: Illegal downloading or copying of copyrighted material such as software, music and movies (this is stealing).
     Truthfulness: How you feel about your child being able to communicate with you about what they are doing online including sites they visit, online relationships, and amount of time spent online
   • Time Management and Ergonomics:
     Location of technology: Where will the computer, iPod touch, gaming console or mobile device be used?  Where will the technology be charged overnight?
     Time Limits: How much time is too much time?
   • For Parents:
     Appropriate balance between monitoring, spying and privacy
     Talk before saying NO

For more information on finding an appropriate balance between monitoring, spying and privacy and information on specific software please see the article Where to Draw the Digital Line.

Happy holidays!

These are all great questions that I encounter on a regular basis.  Let me break this down into a couple of segments.  First, I would NEVER insist there is only ONE parenting style that must be adhered to in order to be safe, every family dynamic is different so you have to find what works best for you.

That being said, let’s look at how we parent in the physical world. Let’s say you are taking 3 children to the park, a 4-year old, a 10-year old and a 13-year old.  You may let the 10-year old go to the big kid park while you stay with the 4-year old (not leaving her side for a moment).  You can see the 10-year old from across the park but you are not there to hold her hand as she climbs the slide.  The 10-year old knows enough not to talk to adult strangers and she is always within earshot of you.  Now the 13-year old may get to wander to the soccer field on the other side of the park where you cannot see him.  But you know he is there and you know who he is playing with.  He needs to be back in an hour and he better not leave the soccer field to go to Burger King with his friends without checking with you first.  See where I’m going with this…

Let’s translate this to their online use. Direct supervision is imperative for the youngest user.  They are just one-click away from seeing something they didn’t mean to or connecting with a stranger.  The rule in my house is you don’t talk to strangers unless you are with a trusted adult.  Therefore, that same rule applies online.   Although 4 may be a little young to even be online, I’ve seen plenty of tech savvy toddlers that I need to say this.  There are programs that allow you to lock down an account so the child can ONLY access the sites you allow.  It’s a great way to start them off and show them that not everything is meant for them online, so you are helping by directing them to the places that are for them.

A 10-year old online may not need you sitting on top of them, but filtering and monitoring are important here to let them know that you have certain expectations about what they can and cannot do.  As your kids get older they will have access to unfiltered and monitored computers at a friends house, the public library, school and from mobile devices.  Therefore, you have to remember that ALL filtering and monitoring software are meant to set expectations and NOT to keep your kids safe from wandering off to the wrong site.

I believe that when you get to the point with your child that you are constantly over their shoulder putting in a password to allow them access to sites they need to get to, it’s time to remove the filters.  There are reporting tools that allows you to view all sites they have visited (even if they clear their history or private browse).  Its called a Log or Reporting feature and it’s built in on a Mac and available via 3rd-party software for PCs.

The reporting feature again is a way to set expectations.  Letting your kids know you COULD look at anytime reminds them that nothing they do online is truly private.  If Google, Sears and Credit Card companies can track their whereabouts, so can you!

I’ve never been a huge proponent of spying but I will say that if you believe your child warrants spying PLEASE DO SO!  If they are pulling away, unwilling to communicate about their online whereabouts and friends, if they seem to be constantly connected or even waking up in the middle of the night to check Facebook, text messages, etc. it’s time to take drastic measures! There are softwares that allow you to monitor both in real time and via reporting every action on a specific computer.  There are also monitoring software for cell phones.  If you are going to go this far then you need to know that you will also need to have your child within your sight at all times too.  Talk to the school about hindering computer access and do not allow play-dates or sleepovers outside of your supervision.  It’s an extreme measure.  We used to call it being grounded… No socializing with friends because we broke trust (or took a car out for a joyride when we were only 15…oops).

The point is, parenting is parenting no matter what realm we are talking about.  You just need to tweak these skills a bit to apply the same parameters in the online world that you do in the physical.

The software is installed at an administrative level and then accounts can be created for each user.  There are some great features of the software that I want to point out:

First and foremost it was really easy to install and set up.  The step-by-step set up allows you to choose from the pre-loaded filtering and monitoring set-up appropriate at different ages or you can customize the setting to fit your specific needs as you go.

I found the Active Chat Inspector to be one on the most interesting features in combating cyber-bullying.  The software inspects all chats that take place on that computer, including Facebook and monitors offensive and hurtful language.  It then alerts the parent account in real time.  So you would receive an e-mail immediately if there is something you NEED to know.
You can set time limits on Internet and chat use with ease and even render the computer unusable during off-peak hours.

But my favorite part of the software is that you can set it up so that the monitored account has full range of use but you still receive a report of activity you have deemed unacceptable.  With teenagers I really like this because it won’t report ever website, every chat, or every encounter.  It does give them a modicum of privacy.  However, the thing you deem unacceptable or you want to know about, it will tell you.  That way you can parent responsibly while allowing a deserving teenager a little freedom and privacy.

Just remember, if you are shopping for a way to set expectations when it comes to their online use, software such as PureSight is a great option.  But you have to remember, even the best parental controls will not keep them safe at all times online.  Kids have unfiltered access to technology from school, a friend’s house or even a mobile device.  So make sure you are having appropriate conversations about what they’re doing and where they are going online and don’t just leave it to the software.

Instead I’ve recommended finding ways for the conversation to happen more organically. Using the media to discuss these issues is often very helpful. While in the car listening to the radio you may hear of nude photos of celebrities surfacing on the web, this is a great time to talk about sexting. By the way, the car is REALLY the best place to talk about sexting, there is no eye contact that needs to be made, you have a captive audience (unless they are so uncomfortable they are willing to dive out onto the freeway), and there is an end-point to the conversation…when you reach your destination, it’s over!

Tivoing a news segment on a cyber-bullying related suicide, Internet predators grooming teens or identity theft due to over-friending on Facebook and having your teenager watch it for themselves is another way to get the conversation started.

Now, Laurie David, author of The Family Dinner, has prompted the Huffington Post to get involved too with the Family Dinner Download. Every Friday, the Huffington Post will run an article meant to “spark lively discussion among the whole family” at the dinner table. Hopefully this will get kids and their parents sharing feeling, opinions about what is going on in the world around them. This week’s topic was RIGHT IN LINE with my own crusade… Willon Palin (the 16-year old daughter of former Governor Palin) trashing schoolmates on Facebook after they attacked her mom’s new reality TV show.

The article highlighted in the HuffPost Family Dinner Download will include questions to get the conversation started at the dinner table. To me, this is reminiscent of my own childhood. Many nights at our dinner table, my father would require we come to the table with a current event to discuss. At first, this drove me nuts, especially considering the fact that I hated to touch the newspaper because the ink always got on my hands, but once my father engaged me in conversation it was always a lively debate. I developed my political views by the age of 12 (mostly in opposition to my father’s just to spite him) and became a full-fledged vegetarian after researching animal cruelty. I came to my own conclusions on many issues.

Point is you need to make sure that you don’t lecture at your children! Let them gather the information and then ask them how they view it, feel about it, how it affects their lives. Let them talk while you listen and maybe even learn. When it comes to the online space, your children are often the ones setting the rules. But do they know enough to be making up the right rules for themselves is really the question. We as parents need to accept that they may know more about the technology, but we still understand behavior better than they do, and that’s where the focus should lie.

I was talking with a mom this summer about her son, who was getting ready to go off to a small Christian college. She was worried that his Facebook account “wasn’t very Christian” and wondered how others at the college might perceive him. She wanted him to clean up the pictures and language, but her son rolled his eyes and gave her that “OH, MOM, you’re totally overreacting” look. I couldn’t help but giggle — this was not the first time I had heard a story like that. So I offered her a different perspective.

To me, it’s not about cleaning up the pictures and language. (Let’s be real here: Most kids have things on their FB pages that their parents don’t love but their friends barely notice.) No, it’s more about cleaning house. Going off to college is a rite of passage, and much of it has to do with starting fresh. But how can our kids do that if they take ALL of their old baggage along for the ride? With Facebook, our kids are taking every FB friend, every past interaction and every documented moment to college, too.

If it were me, I would shut down my high-school Facebook page and create a new one, changing my profile to reflect a more mature me and bringing over only my closest friends (the ones I really want with me on the new journey). No need to “unfriend” anyone; just deactivate and start again. Doing this is not about being rude or meanspirited, it’s just about growing up!

Don’t our kids deserve the same clean slate we got? It’s possible: All they have to do is choose to make the break in the cyberworld, too.

Intro: Going off to college is a rite of passage, and much of it has to do with starting fresh. But how can our kids do that if they take ALL of their old baggage along for the ride? With Facebook, our kids are taking every FB friend, every past interaction and every documented moment to college, too.

Facebook Places is a new application that allows you to “check in” on your mobile device to a location when you are there.  You can also see who else is checked in to the same or nearby location.  Basically it’s a GPS tracking device that allows others to know your whereabouts (and you know theirs) at all times.

You can also leave comments and tips for friends to see. If you had great service at a particular restaurant, or got sick because you ate an undercooked hamburger, you can share your experience with your check-in and notify your friends.

Using GPS, the application will also identify other popular hot spots in your area. You can read the comments other left behind and discover new hangouts and social possibilities.

Second, why would anyone want to use it?

For many of us this may seem totally ridiculous.  Why would you want anyone knowing your location at all times?  But Facebook is not the first to create such an application, there are several others including FourSquare.  In fact when you indentify your location on FourSquare you rack up points, and if you spend enough time in one place, you eventually become the mayor of that location, earning discounts and even some freebees.

But Facebook Places isn’t yet combining the businesses and discounts to the patrons, I’m sure it’s on the way.   For now Places is a way to enhance the social experience.  Let’s say you are at the mall picking up a few items while the kids are in school.  Now you see that your best friend is checked in at the same mall- so you send her a quick note inviting her for lunch… no need to dine alone.

Third, Is it safe?

If you set it up correctly and behave appropriately than like most technology, I believe it is.  But the user’s behavior does matter!

First, the default setting for Places in Facebook is set to Friends Only, meaning that only your Facebook friends will be part of the network that can see when are where you are checked in to a location.  However, who are all these friends?  Many of our children collect friends on Facebook the way I used to collect Garbage Pale Kid Cards (keeping even the ones you don’t really need or want).  So if your kids are using Places and friending strangers, then strangers will be privy to their location.

It’s also important that you check your settings.  From within your FB account you will need to click on Settings | Privacy Settings | Customize settings.  Don’t stop at the privacy settings, it’s not there, look for the little blue text on the bottom left side of the window for the Customize settings button.  From there you can make the necessary selections.  You will want to make some decisions about whether or not friends can check you into a location and how far the information will reach.  Although overall I do like Facebook, I will admit, they have not always been the most transparent when it comes to their own privacy policies.  So make sure you are well informed, check your settings, keep your circle of friends tight and remember, in the end it’s what you post and with whom you share that matters.

Intro: Facebook Places is a new application that allows you to “check in” on your mobile device to a location when you are there.  You can also see who else is checked in to the same or nearby location.  Basically it’s a GPS tracking device that allows others to know your whereabouts (and you know theirs) at all times.

I am worried, however, that it will be too much of a temptation to have a porn-generating machine sitting in his bedroom.

What would be a good safety program to put on his computer? We have one on the family computer, but it tries to block almost everything — news sites, Netflix, etc. Sometimes I wonder if it has a built-in political bias as well. I don’t want to have to keep running to his room to type in the password to allow him to visit sites I approve of, but I don’t want him to use his computer for porn, either.

–Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom,

You are not alone in your concern! First, every expert will tell you that the computer belongs in a public place in the home, and not in the bedroom. I understand that there are lots of reasons you can give me as to why it HAS to be there, but let me explain: Kids (and teens) who have access in a private space are more likely to be exposed to inappropriate content (the “porn-generating” aspect you referenced), be part of a cyberbullying or sexting incident or become involved with a predator. The reason is simple: Unsupervised access means that kids will push the envelope further than normal. Even the best kids get sucked into situations where, without guidance, they may falter!

Before I go any farther with this explanation, I must offer one caveat… As our kids get older the rules do change!  At some point your child may be ready to have the computer in his or her room, it’s probably around the same time that you feel he or she is responsible enough to take 3000 lbs of machinery out on a highway and no longer have total control over knowing exactly where they are at every moment of everyday!

Now back to my explanation… let me give you a TRUE example.  My friend’s 12-year-old son was at the family computer (in a very public space). He was checking his e-mail. A friend sent him a video. The subject line read, “You HAVE to see this!” When he opened it, it was a video of two women engaging in oral copulation. He saw about two seconds of it before his mom leapt in front of the computer, screaming, “Nooooooooooo!” She actually pulled the plug (it was the fastest thing she could think of — very resourceful).

Her son really didn’t know what he was looking at — but if he had been in his room, I guarantee that he would have watched the entire thing and then begun surfing the Web for more. Instead, he and his mom had a very uncomfortable yet honest conversation.

About 20 percent of young people (10 to 18 years old) have reported being cyberbullied in 2010. (This is way down from 2008, when a whopping 75 percent of teens said they’d been cyberbullied.) Yet more than half of the 2010 victims said they did not tell their parents. I recently polled 100 seventh graders, and they unanimously told me that the reason cyberbullying continues is because the perpetrators don’t think they will get caught. All of this goes down to a lack of supervision. On a related note, a momlogic survey found that 44 percent of teens have been involved in a sexting incident, but only a quarter of those teens’ parents knew anything about it.

All in all, the Internet is a fantastic resource, but it has its pitfalls — and young people need guidance from their parents to keep it safe! If removing the computer from the bedroom is out of the question, I have other solutions.

Filtering software is one option. I like SafeLinks.com. They are granular in their approach, so they can filter out the smut on YouTube without blocking the entire site. I really like filtering with younger kids. It’s a great way to set expectations and remind them that not everything on the Internet is meant for them.

When your kid starts doing more research online and you are now coming in every 10 minutes to put in your override password, it’s time to dump the filtering software and turn on monitoring software. This is where you can turn off all filtering and just receive reports about where your children are going online. Puresight PC is a company I have worked with in the past, and I like the software a lot. They do both filtering and monitoring. The main difference between SafeLinks and Puresight PC is that you will get personalized service with SafeLinks and a customized filter. Puresight PC is a larger organization with a plug-and-use interface; their technical support is mostly online.  If you are on a Mac, everything you need is already built-in! No need to purchase any third-party software at all.

For those of you who know me (or read my column) you know that I am NOT a proponent of “spy first ask questions later.”  It’s very much the opposite!  I do however think these filters and monitoring devices can be very useful in setting up expectations!  Remember, the filters won’t follow your child to a friend’s house or mobile device.  You have to talk…let them know what you are doing and why you are doing it.

I hope this answers your question. For a short demo on using parental-control software, please click here.

Would YOU let a teen have a computer in his/her room? Comment below.

The point is that just because the technology is changing doesn’t mean the behavior is. Teenagers today aren’t much different than we were; they just have a lot more access to information and one another. So as good parents, we need to start implementing the same good parenting in a new digital age!

“Textual harassment” is harassment via text messaging. It includes unwanted sexual solicitation, severe bullying, threats and constant messaging by an unwanted person. Even obsessed teens in unhealthy relationships who use text messaging to control their partners are considered to have engaged in textual harassment.

Seventy-five percent of teenagers have cell phones, and 33 percent of them are sending more than 100 text messages a day. MTV, along with the Associated Press, reported that half of young people between the ages of 14 and 24 have received some sort of abusive text message. A recent momlogic survey found that 44 percent of teens have been involved in a sexting incident, and only a quarter of those teens’ parents knew anything about it. Get the picture? Teens sometimes behave badly.

As parents, we need to get involved! How involved is really the question. Some experts believe that we should be monitoring all texting and cellular communication. To me, that’s a bit much. Don’t get me wrong: When a teenager deserves to be spied on, by all means. But should it be our first course of action?

I go back to the story of my parents and how they monitored my telephone use. There was a modicum of privacy issued to me as long as I didn’t abuse the privilege. Before we dive into the deep end and monitor our teens’ every move, let’s start with some basic parenting. Here are some of the questions you should be asking yourself:

1) How much is too much? When texting begins to interfere with your child’s ability to have face-to-face conversations with you or their friends … it’s too much. If it’s affecting their learning or chores … it’s too much. If they can’t put it away at the dinner table or if they would prefer to text grandma rather than call her … it’s too much. Texting is a convenient and ubiquitous mode of communication. But there is always room for balance! I recently sat down with a young girl (age 15, I believe) who has become known as the “texting queen.” She sent more than 24,000 text messages in one month. That means she sent about 800 text messages a day. For me, that’s too much!

2) Where does the phone sleep? When your kids go to sleep, so should the technology. There is no reason for them to take the phones to bed! If they tell you they need it to wake up, get them an alarm clock. The constant ding, vibration, ring is affecting their sleep. Also, teens make the worst decisions late at night when they are tired. All of a sudden, they do something they would never do during normal waking hours.

3) Who are they constantly messaging — and who is constantly messaging them? You may not need to know every intimate detail of the conversation, but you do need to know this! When you have an idea of who they are talking to, you usually have an idea what it’s about.

4) Are there parental controls I can use that find balance between spying and parenting? Yes. There is a great piece of software called Cell Safety by Websaftey.com. It alerts only the parent when a text seems to be putting a child in harm’s way — when cyberbullying, sexual solicitation or textual harassment is being sent either by or to the child’s phone. It gives the child some privacy but alerts the parents when something is wrong. It also stops the child from being able to text while driving. I need something like that!

All in all, getting involved is definitely important! Check in, ask questions and be the parent! Your kids need guidance, and it’s up to you to give them a road map to successful relationships — no matter what technology is involved.

School administrators, after consulting their district’s attorneys, decided that the taunting had spilled over onto the campus, and therefore it was their right to discipline.

However, a federal judge did not agree.In December 2009, the student responsible for uploading the video won her case against the school district, citing her First Amendment right to free speech. The judge felt that, although the girl’s actions were juvenile and inappropriate, they did not cause a serious disruption on campus that warranted administrative action.
Who’s really charged with disciplining cyberbullies — the schools, or the parents?

More and more schools are finding themselves in an awkward predicament. Oftentimes, the parents of the victim turn to the school for resolution, while the family of the accused feels that the school has no right to intervene in off-campus disputes.
Jan Hoffman of the New York Times laid out the issue beautifully in an article published Sunday. In short, it recounts several cases of cyberbullying and how schools felt their hands were tied.

The real issue is that the law just hasn’t caught up with technology! According to the Anti-Defamation League, 44 states currently have anti-bullying laws in place to protect students, but less than half of them include “electronic communication.” The laws also vary as to when a school can become involved in discipline. There’s just no clear-cut answer for school officials who are asking, “What do we do about cyberbullying?”

Math: http://www.carrotsticks.com

This is a great math game where you can compete against other players around the world. You can create a username that does not give away personal information and you CAN’T chat with the other players- just compete. Kids can practice addition, subtraction, multiplication and division at different levels and it’s FREE through the month of June!

Geography: http://geosense.net

One of my favorite games! Pins drop on different cities throughout the US or the world- you have to pick the city, state or country before your opponent in order to receive maximum points. With this one there is no login needed and no chat component either.

All types of learning: http://funschool.kaboose.com

Here you have everything from Math and Science to Language Arts. There are even some great games that build analytical skills and social awareness. There is no login and no chat component just LOTS of fun and educational games.

Below are links to some of my favorites including: a game about recycling, typing skills and a problem solving game that requires moving blocks (watch out- it’s tough).

http://funschool.kaboose.com/formula-fusion/birds-of-a-feather/games/5280.html

http://funschool.kaboose.com/globe-rider/earth-day/games/game_michael_recycle.html

http://funschool.kaboose.com/fun-blaster/back-to-school/games/game_super_hyper_spider_typer.html

Remember, the Internet is a fabulous resource when used appropriately, however, young children should NEVER be left alone at the computer to play these games, while older children should have safe guards in place.

For safe and appropriate use try implementing these parental controls:

1) Keep the computer in a public space in the home.

2) For young children, you may want to consider sitting with them while they play. It can be a fun activity for the both of you as well as being a safety measure. You have to remember, while online, children are just one click away from being exposed to potentially dangerous and inappropriate content.

3) Install filtering software. Because we cannot be at their side 24/7, this is the next best option. You can even set it up so that the user can ONLY access pre-approved websites that you have added to a list. Macs have built in filtering software and you can purchase 3rd party filtering software for the PC. Check out http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com for a list of options for the PC. Remember though, filtering software will ONLY work at the computer where it is installed. It’s a great way to set up expectations and teach children that not everything on the Internet is meant for them, however, it won’t keep them safe at other computer that are not filtered!

4) Limit online use. Children should not sit at the computer for more than 30 minutes at a time. Prolonged computer use can cause repetitive stress injuries that affect their hands, eyes, necks, backs and wrist.

Have a great summer and have fun SAFE-surfing the net!