I sat down with a group of 7th graders this week to talk about the usual topics: social networking, privacy, cyber-bullying, multi-tasking, etc. when we got on the topic of how their parents respond to their online use.  We were talking about cyber-bullying and how it is easier for parents to tell their children they are being cyber-bullied because the bully is jealous or insecure, rather than explaining that bullies are controlling and sometimes just don’t like their victim (for more information on that, see the article on Talking to you Kids About Cyber-bullying). No parent wants to tell his or her children that a bully just doesn’t like them!

A young girl asked me why her parents would lie to her about bullying, so I had to switch into “mom mode.”

“They are not lying to you.” I said. “Sometimes, we as parents, don’t always know exactly how to explain things so we turn to explanations that we were given as kids.”

She nodded her head and then said, “Can I ask you one more?”

“Sure!” I said.

“Why does my mom say, “Because I said so?”

I smiled but without hesitation I responded, “She says this because the truth is, your brains are not fully formed until you are in your 20s.  And the part of the brain that is not yet developed is called the frontal lobe.  That’s the part responsible for reason, logic, and impulse control.  When your mom says, ‘because I said so’ what she really means is that, there is no way in this moment of your desire for instant gratification will you be using reason, logic or impulse control to make this decision so therefore a fully formed brain (that in your parent’s head) will need to make it for you!  Does that answer your question?”

The entire class responded with, “Oooooooooh.”

I smiled inside, recognizing their epiphany and wondering how many of them would go home and repeat these exact words.  I can just see it now, the next time a parent says, “Because I said so,” the child launching into, “I know you are just saying that because you think I can’t use my frontal lobe!”

When it comes to technology, we sometimes feel at a loss for the right answer because we don’t understand it. So we say, “Because I said so” for another reason, we don’t know what else to say!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; it’s really difficult to parent in a realm we ourselves were not parented in.  We don’t know what questions to ask or what to look for.  So let’s keep it simple for now:

• Don’t stop asking questions just because the behavior is online rather than offline.
• Understand the technology – before you buy it, drive the clerk crazy and have him show you every feature included on the device (recently a parent told me how her 12-year old daughter received a message on her DS while at LAX airport from someone else on a DS in the terminal- she had no idea the DS opened the door to communication with strangers).
• Use technology to your advantage- there is a great iPhone and iPod Touch app called LRNtheLingo to help you learn their language.
• Keep reading at lorigetz.com (a shameless plug I know, but it will keep you one step ahead)!